hell is a city

hear me out, I promise death is still worth it
it’s just a little different than I imagined
they told me I’d see the pearly gates when I died
but all I see are golden arches,
neon against the dark background of the
dark city streets
they told me I’d be walking on streets of gold
but all I feel are cracked concrete faults underneath my feet
I was told there was no pain, no hunger
but I gave away all my daily bread and was left with nothing but empty hands

the subway shakes the underground, the place below
the unwanted
I was promised if I believed enough,
I wouldn’t be here
but I’m soothed to sleep by the sounds of rattling tracks
because even though my hands are in contrition,

all they ever see is me on my knees

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july fourth: “it could never happen to me”

On July 4th, 2017, something I never thought would ever happen, DID. I had a really awful skateboarding accident resulting in a traumatic brain injury.  It took everything in me to recover to where I am now, relearning to walk, regaining my voice, my strength, and my intelligence & now, 3 surgeries, 2 infections, 2 hospitals, and 3 months later, I wrote a poem about what it was like and how it affected my life:

have you ever seen the blood drain from someone’s face

their smile fade so quickly it scares you

have you felt the chills of a hospital room mingling with the chills of infection for months on end

it’s like when you’ve grown accustom to a certain song on the radio & now you don’t even notice it playing anymore

have you heard the beeps of a heart monitor not so steady

the shrill screams down the hall?

it’s amazing how much you can love ordinary after you don’t have it

how much you want to yell when you have no voice

you start counting your days in dad lessons, in TV shows finished, in missed opportunities

and counting 

how many tears that have fallen from great heights

or 5 feet above the ground,

they hit hard either way

new york on film

hello friends!

I know this is so super late because I visited new york city in April & it’s August BUT art takes time and work okay. So yeah I took like 20 clips that I recorded on my Nikon D3100 and put them all together on Adobe Premiere Pro CC 2015 in the order they fit best with the stop and go (which I planned ahead of time) and lemme tell you, MAN it took so much work to get the green and red lights & timing the transition from the red hand to the walking man. but it ended up pretty decent!!! I added some smooth, classic Lana in the background to combine my 2 favorite things BUT SO YEAH HERE IS NEW YORK ON FILM: my first film project on the best city 🙂

It won’t let me just upload the video so here is the link! More city photos to follow ❤

NYC/BOSTON LOOKBOOK. 

It’s been approximately 2 weeks since I got back from my trip & have I posted my promised lookbook? Nope! But here I am NOW so all is well. Alright I’m not gonna start rambling because there isn’t much to say other than the mirror I had in New York had like weird lines and stuff all through it, but it was also freaking huge so like….I’ll live somehow. ALRIGHT, HERE WE GO

Day 1: NYC

This is the outfit I wore on the plane and during our 1st day in New York! To go through everything, it was:

  •  A pair of matte chelsea style rain boots from Target
  • Red crew socks from TJmaxx
  • Ripped black jeans from Charlotte Russe 
  • Red & grey plaid tights from DSW
  • A white tshirt with red embroidery from Forever 21
  • A basic black cardigan 
  • A black beanie with a lil poof from JCPenny

I ended up with a black rain jacket on too because it was super super cold and rainy, but I looked cute touring Parsons The New School of Design (which was amazing!!!) & New York Film Academy, eating tons of food, getting some goood chinese food, and exploring the city. The tights underneath were a nice detail and they also kept me super super warm the whole day. 

Day 2: NYC

This was the outfit I wore on out “free day” of sorta since we had no college visits and it was a lot warmer / wasn’t raining so I could wear something a little less smothering:

  • Navy Converse
  • The same black ripped jeans from Charlotte Russe
  • A royal blue tank top turtle neck from Forever 21 
  • A huge cream cardigan originally from Chapps but bought at the thrift store 

I also threw on my big navy coat for some extra protection from the wind because it was intense man somehow even when we were inside or in subway stations? Worth it though. We went the the Highline and Chelsea Market, ate lunch & went to Strand Bookstore, and got to some wonderful dinner reservations.

Day 3: NYC

The last photo was my base outfit, but it was literally like 30 degrees out with a 10 degree wind chill & it was also pouring down rain, so I threw on every article of clothing I could find and ended up with: 

  • Dark wash, highwasited jeans from H&M (actually bought on Day 2!)
  • A b&w striped ribbed turtle neck from Forever 21 
  • My black rainboots from Target
  • The long, cream cardigan from the thrift store 
  • My black rain coat
  • A huge, pink-ish scarf from who knows where 
  • My black JCP beanie 

It was also just my luck that my jeans turned my legs, from my hips to my ankles, totally blue because they were unwashed and it was raining. Aside from that, this outfit was warm enough to get me through a Pratt tour & lunch in Brooklyn, a visit to Central Park and the Alice in Wonderland statue, dinner, and Times Square at night. 

Day 4: Boston

This had to be my favorite outfit, it was so cozy and so warm with my sweater & it felt amazing to be out of jeans finally and into some looser pants: 

  • Navy Converse
  • White crew socks from TJmaxx
  • Plaid pants from the thrift store 
  • Navy sweater from H&M
  • Cream cardigan 
  • Navy Bandana 
  • Tan-ish type of beanie from Target (I think??) 

This is what I wore on the bus from New York to Boston, the struggle of getting from the bus stop / airport to our apartment in the East, and getting back to tour Emerson (which was FABULOUS!!!), eat a terrible lunch of noodles and soggy cabbage, and go to Dinner at an amazing Italian place. 

Day 5: Last Day

This was the base of my outfit (of course, ended up with a coat & gloves on), but these shoes were the most comfortable ones of the trip & it was good because we did walk a lot (as we had been doing). 

  • White hightops from Target
  • Lighwash jeans from H&M 
  • Black and white striped shirt from H&M

Day 5 consisted of a visit to the ICA (Institute of Contemporary Art) in Seaport, lunch at the best restaurant for the 3rd time!!!! & walking around Boston Commons before heading to the airport for 4 hours while our flight got delayed. Eventually, we made it home at about 2am, and it was all worth it. 

SO THAT’S ALL FOLKS! I hope that lived up to your expectations minus the poor quality, the lack of creativity due to the weather, and the long wait. I’ll be editing more photos (and a video) from the trip very soon & also be posting a food journey through the 2 cities to give some recommendations. Thanks for reading that super long lookbook from a truly wonderful trip, peace out guys 🙂

panic! at the disco: how brendon urie & co. multihandedly (?) saved my life

WEDNESDAY APRIL 12: THE DAY THAT FOREVER CHANGED MY LIFE AND WAS/IS THE BEST NIGHT OF 2017. The Panic! at the Disco Death of a Bachelor tour concert was SOSOSOSOSOOOO GOOD GUYS. But like, it’s chill no big deal or anything I just made this video collage that features my screaming so loud my voice hurt but it’s whatever! Saint Motel and Misterwives opened up, both were amazing! I didn’t know either were opening and I had only listened to like a song of Saint Motel, but they ended up being so good and then MISTERWIVES!!!! I love them so much and when the lead singer came bopping out in her pom pom shorts and fur jacket I started freaking ouuuttt and they did such a good job. They also performed 2 songs off of their next unreleased album and they were so hype so I’m so excited to listen to it when it’s released. Okay onto Panic!, so it was Brendon’s birthday so there’s a clip of everyone surprising him and singing happy birthday and he got so happy :’) He also played the ACOUSTIC VERSION OF THIS IS GOSPEL?!??$ It was breathtaking. Oh, and so these girls handed out all these bright colored hearts to different sections of the crowd for us to hold in front of our flashlights during Girls/Girls/Boys (which was ammaazzzinnnggg) & holy cow! He just like stopped and freaked out because he loved it so much and went on this whole long speech about the revolution and how love trumps hate and how we were making a real impact in the world and on him and I legit almost teared up. ​There were so many times where he would be goofy and like throw his head back in laughter or start goofing around and it was SO CUTE wow they just did such an amazing job and it was wholeheartedly the best concert I’ve ever been to (tøp, you’re still up there boys).  I attached the video I made and it’s about 4 and a half minutes long and worth every second because I shoved so many songs and great moments in & it still doesn’t do this beautiful man and his beautiful band and his personality and looks justice but! that’s okay 🙂 I HOPE YOU ENJOY IT AS MUCH AS I DID!!!!! – the end of the first clip is so funny with his lil “yeaaah” – OK I’M DONE

Yes, More Flowers

Over the month of December, I planted some tulip bulbs with high hopes that they’d bloom this Spring – AND THEY DID!! So naturally, I had to take a ton of pictures of them because they are my pride and joy, and will remain so until they sadly die. OK so here are a bunch of photos of some pretty tulips and a few random flowers that I saw in my yard & while in Athens for prom – ENJOY!

DSC_9128
This was my very 1st bloom 🙂
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Guys, the bugs…were everywhere 
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This lil guy was falling apart but ended up being a perfect op
DSC_9262
Pink and green look so pretty together 🙂
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That lighting! is to die for!
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My beautiful purple tulip just beginning to bloom
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G I R L this orange one is flat out GORGEOUS!
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This was in Athens 🙂
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A lost soldier in my back yard and the yellow was so super pretty

 

 

raindrops and goodbyes can sound the same sometimes

flowers need more than water to grow

maybe that’s why I run away at the sight of them blooming

I can’t even remember to water them once a day

how can I sustain them for years?

 

she says it’s okay that she gets thirsty sometimes

she’ll always find a way to get water

always grow towards the light

soak in the dirt

spread roots wherever she walks

 

I try to fill her up anyway

but I’m just too small, too empty to reach the top

 

she has leaves blended into pine straw legs

wet on the surface from dew

watering can strands of hair

spilling over the edge of flower pot shoulders

 

the soil gets heavy sometimes

atlas herself can’t bear the weight enough to shrug

 

sometimes she’s forced down on all fours

handprints stuck in muddy ground

cloth snagged on tree bark

protruding from branching arms

 

my name is carved in her wooden oaks

a heart encapsulates initials

but they are not ours

 

so I tell her the tale of how resilient she is

how her stem always manages to sprout

even after it’s stepped on

even after it’s ripped off

torn up & spit out

 

the petals she calls home float off one by one

begging me to love her 

not

 

I tell her

I’m allergic to her pollen

that way I don’t have to tell her that I was the one who ripped out her frail beginnings

the one who tried to grow her in my hands

fingers cupped around the subtle curve of her sepal

 

I push her away gently, fingertips skimming polka-dot goosebumps

raised like braille on the soft petals of a daisy

 

I am not strong enough to say goodbye

not strong enough to see the bugs feasting on her leaves until she’s nothing but crumbs

too small to leave a trail back towards home

 

I see hues of pink and orange fall to the ground

where a crushed green stem meets the earth

they claim they have never met before

that they’re strangers

but they know each other far too well

 

she’s not very resilient anymore

but I am not strong enough to tell her

– I blame myself for your flowers dying

It’s My Anniversary!

GUYS!!!! So, today marks 4 WHOLE YEARS of being vegetarian! In early 2013, I decided to stop eating meat one night at dinner. I had wanted to go vegetarian for a little while, and on March 2 (yesterday but 4 years ago), I ate my last piece of chicken, grossed out by the blood and bones on my plate and in my hands. I set it down, and that was the last of it and now, here we are, on March 3rd of 2017, meat free for 4 long, happy years. Yesterday was also the official 2 months mark of being vegan, but we’re gonna celebrate today and pretend that today’s the 2-month mark so that’s super dope for me! It’s the longest I’ve kept with it (a month & a half was my previous record) so I’m pretty proud of myself for that one tbh. So yeah! That’s all for now, I just needed to share my milestone with everybody and expect a recipe and another poem sometime soon!!!

the sicker i get, the closer i get to pressing send

cut.

my medicine finally started working
although I think she
may have been the cure and
now it’s my birthday and she’s cutting out paper snowflakes
because we never got around to it at christmas
we were too busy
falling in love

copy.

my headaches are coming back
they always do and
now somehow I’m sitting in a denny’s parking lot
throwing up and
my lips try to form words around the silhouette of her hands and
she copies me and
our mouths
meet.

paste.

my good days are still bad and now
all I can see is the back of
her
hair is longer than the last time I saw
her
toothpaste is leaving mint flavored foam on her upper lip
I go to wipe it off but she
is just out of reach

 

My Car Has Been Running Since the Summer and So Have I

I have this bad habit of keeping my car running while I’m not in it

and I don’t know if it’s so it’ll stay warm on a cold day

Kind of the same way he did in the winter

Or if it’s so I’ll always have an escape plan,

Kind of like the one I had in the spring

It just keeps filling up my garage with toxins

Keeps the fumes coming in

but I keep my eyes shut so I can pretend I don’t notice

Like how we knew we were in danger but we kept the keys in the car, kept the door shut, turned the lights off so we didn’t notice each other

I have this bad habit of keeping my car running while I’m not in it

and I don’t know if it’s because I can’t decide if I want to leave yet or not

I’ve never been very good with timing

Maybe that’s why I left in the middle of everything

Why I crumbled to the ground, took my foot off the brake and rolled right into the wall

I never know when to put it in park

When it’s too soon to tell if I wanna stay

– An excerpt from a book I’ll never write